Here I am. Sorry for the delay. I went on a fabulous, all-inclusive vacation and you can read more about how amazing I think all-inclusive resorts are soon on the Burlington Vermont Mom’s Blog, but now not only my body, but my mind is back as well. I was on a serious vacation high last week, but now I’m sad to say I’m coming down.
Ugh. Real life is the worst. It’s full of going to work and denying your children the sugar they were so used to eating every day and preparing for dance recitals and end of the year school events and thinking about who your kid will have as a teacher next year and spring sports and busy busy busy.
I actually am really appreciating all of the busy right now because just on the horizon, Friday, in fact, I have my next CT Scan. Wait, I know your next question-How am I feeling about it? Right? I mean, how should I be feeling about it? You tell me.
Let me give you a brief history of my scans:
Scan # 1 October 7th, 2016-In my head, I was worried that they would look into my body and I would be filled with cancer. I prepared for the worst. What they actually found was “numerous non-enlarged and some borderline enlarged left axillary and subpectoral lymph nodes concerning for nodal metastases”-read: cancerous lymph nodes in and around my left breast and armpit and near the lungs “an enlarged subpleural lymph node in the left major fissure measuring 10 x 6 mm. An additional small lymph node is present adjacent to the left pulmonary artery.” And then of course the, “2 noncystic hepatic lesions” in the liver.
You might remember I carried on and started Chemo and blah, blah, blah (more details can be found here!). And remember how confident I was going into my second scan? If you don’t go back to this post on Dust From Mars. I thought those spots on my liver would be NBD.
Scan #2 January 26th, 2016-“Two hypodense lesions in the liver have decreased in size”. This is what confirmed my Metastatic Disease. Also, “a new sclerotic lesion is within the T11 vertebral body, with a area of central hypodensity, is just anterior to the left pedicle.” (This is likely cancer that was already healed by the Chemo).
The moral of this story is that when I thought the worst, it wasn’t so bad. When I thought the best, I got bad news. But here’s the real lesson: Cancer doesn’t give a shit about my feelings.
Scanxiety is real and it SUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKS!
But I’m finding it best to move forward by packing my days full of shit to do, acknowledging I have no control over the situation and taking Benzo’s to fall asleep at night. I mean-I don’t even get the results of the scan until Monday, so the weekend should fly by, right?
But seriously, packed full weekend is where it’s at. I’ll be so busy, that the ability of my mind drifting into scanxiety should be minimized. That said, nobody’s perfect so if I am short with you, or ignore you, or yell at you and stomp away I’m sorry in advance, it wasn’t me it was the scanxiety. Alternately, if you are being a total dick, I am not sorry and you deserved it.
Since I will be working with all my might to keep it cool I have a favor to ask you too. On Friday I want you to wear your #maggiesbrightside shirts! Cozy up in your sweatshirt, throw on a workout tank, or bust out your baseball tee. Feel free to grab your pint glass and fill it up for an afternoon cocktail. Then, post a picture on social media using the #maggiesbrightside and tell me what made your day. That way, whenever I am feeling worried or anxious, I can do what I’ve always done, turn to you for support!
Don’t have a shirt? Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of chances, because I will be having scans every three months or so. So if you want to participate next time, you can order your shirt here: http://vermontclothingcompany.com/shirtsforacause.
Now, as I conclude, I discovered in consulting about this post with my near and dear friends, that they had already been planning some sort of surprise #maggiesbrightside event. So to them I say this: Our brains are the same. That’s what you get after 24 years of friendship. And also, haven’t you learned that I need some level of control? Obviously I love your idea and am so grateful that I have friends who really get me!
And on that note, I must wrestle myself out of my morning benzo fog and continue to carry on with my busy life before I have to think too hard about anything else!