Bye 2017. You sucked. Month after month you provided heartache and stress. You will go down as one of the most horrific and horrendous times in my life. You came in like a lion, gave a mid-year roar and then sucked a big fat one on the way out. Fuck you.
I have no idea what could happen in 2018 that could possibly be worse than what has happened in 2017, but I bet there will be something. Life is full of surprises. Half of those surprises are giant shit sandwiches wrapped in slimy, old lettuce that you must eat in order to live. So get ready.
Just to recap:
January 2017– I got news of cancer progression in my pelvic bone. Trump was inaugurated.
February 2017– Started new chemotherapy (Taxotere and Carboplatin).
March 2017– Ongoing stress around selling our home.
April 2017– Our dog, Lily, died the day before we moved into our new house.
May 2017– This month was actually okay.
June 2017– My father died in a tragic accident.
July 2017– I actually don’t really remember that month… I was in a daze of grief and confusion.
August 2017– Learned that cancer had progressed in my liver and was sent to Dana-Farber Cancer Institute to see if there was a study I could enter into.
September 2017– Found out that I got into the study and started going to Boston once a week to take chemotherapy drug, Eribulin and immunotherapy drug, Palmocicluzimab.
October 2017– Boston trips, managing side effects, supporting children through this transition.
November 2017– Continued Boston trips only to learn that my immunotherapy cocktail did not work. My cancer had almost doubled in size in my liver. Doctors get serious about next steps and end of life planning.
December 2017– Started yet another chemotherapy, Gemcitabine. The jury is still out, but the side effects seem totally manageable.
So, pretty shitty all in all.
But you know me. I’m not going to squander my time by counting life’s wrongs. I’m here to tell you what happens next. Besides the obvious: live my life. My resolutions are more like goals. Warrior goals. Many of them can’t be measured, but they provide a basic idea of how I want to live out my life. Whether that life is 2 or 20 or 40 years, we cannot predict, but I plan to be a warrior, come what may.
So here they are, my 2018 Warrior Goals:
- Develop better self-compassion and self-love.
- Smartphone less.
- Build my business, Maggie’s Brightside, to be as strong as I am, but build it to last longer.
- Do more public speaking.
- Be a role model for my children so that they can know how to carry themselves with grace, strength and badassery.
- Help those that love me feel more comfortable discussing death. Believe me when I say I’m the first person outside the Grateful Dead show with my finger in the air waiting on my miracle, but meanwhile, I’ve got a backup plan.
- See more live music.
- Get better at playing the guitar.
- Express my love and gratitude.
- Dance more.
There you have it. It’s simple. Be kind. Love yourself. Dance. Hope for miracles.